Complete Agency: The Essential Rightness of Complimenting Skills & Talents in Others.

I've received quite a wide array of commentary in response to a post I wrote this summer about the destructive nature of complimenting physical appearances (reread here: The Essential Wrongness of Complimenting Physical Beauty). However, the most alarming response was the claim that people's strengths and talents are inherent and thus as essentially wrong to compliment as outward beauty.

To argue that people are born with talents that cannot be altered negates free will. Yes, it is true that some individuals are naturally stronger in a particular skill set than others. However, our decisions to cultivate particular skills and align ourselves with set interests and/or identities indicate our honest personalities and true selves. All of these things are within our power and control to develop. These are the behaviors we should encourage in one another.

I devoted time and effort to develops skills which sought my interest, skills in which I placed value in obtaining. When I was younger, I was pretty decent at basketball, not because I have any aptitude for athletics, but because I trapped myself within endless practices and training camps. Despite a clumsy shaky hand and a bizarrely inaccurate understanding of perspective, I'm gaining some skill in the application of eye make-up, but only due to a extensive process of trial and error and a deliberate effort to learn (Much thanks to the mastermind, Corinne!) I'm a pretty decent writer, because I spend time with my nose burrowed deep within classic literature, choose academic classes that emphasize writing skills, and carry a journal with me everywhere I stomp. When I am complimented on these skills, I feel especially proud because I made a conscious effort to develop talents that were not naturally granted to me and someone has not only recognized my efforts, but appreciated them. Who doesn't want to be complimented for their choices in life?

It is a conscious decision to pick up a paintbrush or rolling pin. One chooses to strap on a pair of rollerblades or pull on a pair of boxing gloves. It is a deliberate effort to strum a guitar or place a soccer ball at your feet. This pursuit to acquire such developments and the dedication to cultivate new skills is worthy of esteem and encouragement. Although it is important to recognize privilege and why one may not choose or have the opportunity to cultivate particular talents, unlike physical beauty, there is nothing detrimental about encouraging people in the development of their talents. Human beings have autonomy and control what it is they pursue and the time and manner in which they dedicate to it. With beauty, comparison often leads to unrealistic expectations and distaste for one's own appearance, whereas someone else's success in a particular skill can inspire one to develop such a talent further.

As a long-haired able-bodied size six Caucasian woman, I do not consider myself an underrepresented form of beauty. I will always feel uncomfortable about language that perpetuates body image issues women face and feel accepting compliments about how my mum and pop's genes happened to blend together is unjustifiable. Although one's intentions for complimenting another individual regarding their outward beauty may not be to perpetuate such negative feelings and unobtainable concepts of beauty, that is exactly what such compliments do.

Additionally vital to note, there is a HUGE difference between complimenting one's physical beauty and admiring the beauty of aesthetics. Make-up artists, fashion designers/stylists/bloggers, hairdressers/stylists, nail technicians, tattoo artists, and the like, are artists who learn to perfect their creative genius into skill from internships, apprenticeships, schools, books, family, friends, and lots and lots of practice. One's body is a blank canvas and how they choose to decorate it is a expression of their character. There's a difference between admiring one's skill in styling and praising their figure/facial structure.

Don't Tell Me To Smile.

Piles of men who harass women on the daily justify their actions with claims that their intent is to simply compliment such women. Okay, why then, do men rarely "compliment" women accompanied by other men, and most commonly "compliment" women traveling alone? And why then, if this behavior is as innocuous as a compliment, do men grow angry when another man "compliments" his female significant other when she walks alone and/or accompanied by him?

The fundamental purpose of a compliment is to acknowledge your appreciation and to flatter someone else; brighten their day a little. So, if these men are attempting to acknowledge their appreciation or provoke flattery, why do they fly away in their cars, or turn the corner, as soon as they spit out their so-called compliments? Aren't such speedy runaways halting the very purpose of a compliment by disallowing the complimenter from viewing the reaction of the one complimented? Street harassers have no intention to be complimentary, they harass women to exert their power that, as a man, they have the right to publicly evaluate a stranger, as long as such stranger is female, and they may even please their friends and provide entertainment along the way.

So, what's the best way to respond to street harassment? As tempting as it is to respond with a middle finger and a big ol' "Fuck you douchebag!" such responses only encourage hostility and leave the perpetrators entertained. Instead, assume ignorance is to blame and give the man in question the benefit of the doubt. Then, educate him on why his behavior makes women feel uncomfortable. You may try something like "From early ages, women deal with men on the street yelling, staring, even following them. I realize you may not have any harmful intentions, or may be trying to be complimentary, but it makes many women feel unsafe, targeted, or victimized. It would be great if you could stop making women feel this way."

Sure, there are many men out there who are just 100% beyond repair skeeve-balls, who may even use this information as momentum (hey, my actions have the power to make others feel less than and that makes me feel powerful READ:BULLY), most of the men will respond with apologies, and even embarrassment. See, most men have no desire to be horrible to women. Sadly, they're victims of a patriarchal society that teaches women exist solely for male entertainment. In affect, men fail to comprehend why women don't want to be perceived and treated as such. Again, most men do not have the same experiences as the women do with street harassment. Rather a muffled catcall from a pick-up truck, or a "Suck my dick bitch" accompanied by some crotch-grabbing, most men never have these experiences. Thus, as man cannot comprehend the female experience within a patriarchal society, man struggles to understand the offensive nature of his unwanted attention and conversation or why women aren't flattered by his public catcalls.

This is exactly the reason why what Tatyana Fazlalizadeh is doing is so kick-ass revolutionary. Her street art project, "Stop Telling Women to Smile" provides a counter-voice to street harassment precisely where the harassment occurs, the streets. Tatyana's images work so well because they manage to be informative, yet straight-to-the-point and easy to digest (meaning one can understand their message regardless of age, race, ethnicity, education, or class). Where Fazlalizadeh's work differs from her peers is in that it is displayed in the same environment as the "enemy" hunts his prey. Instead of being presented as an academic theory to a limited demographic of individuals within a stuffy college classroom, the directness of her work has the power to honestly change how men treat women.

Fazlalizadeh's website (http://stoptellingwomentosmile.com/) mentions a handful of our nation's biggest cities that she plans to attack using the money she raised through Kickstarter. However, we all know street harassment happens in our hometowns (rather big city or rural townships), so why don't we spread Fazlalizadeh's message, by either printing out her project's portraits via her website, or creating our own from either our own experiences, or from the experiences of the women we love and care for, and utilize public space putting them around our hometowns wherever street harassment takes place. Get your friends, both female and male, involved. Why do they think street harassers do what they do? How do your male friends and female friends experiences with street harassment differ? Do the experiences of your friends differ due to race, class, and/or sexual orientation/identity?